http://thatAngelGirl.wordpress.com

That. Is all. I hope.

I didn’t put up any outfit posts over the weekend because, as you may or may not have heard, MY ASS was in indoors losing my mind and pulling out my hair weave and bursting into tears every so often. YES, this is how I study. What.

I had my first final today… Hahahahaaaaa. That’s all I have to say about it.

Oh, wait. One more thing I have to say: ROTFLMFAO.

And those are the only two clues I shall give you regarding my performance on that paper. Assume what you will.

What did I wear to this fiasco event?

The sun came out so I thought, what the heck.

And I wore a skirt.

The skirt is actually a really pale pink. I dunno why it's coming up that weird colour.

The outfit

Black top: Old Navy I think? I don’t remember.
Striped skirt: H&M
Patent blue studded bag: Some random vendor dude in Metrotown
Black studded shoes: Aldo

I don’t really like to wear black shoes, especially when it’s sunny.. Don’t ask me to explain why, I really dunno, but I wore these today because I hadn’t worn them yet. They are perversely comfortable and really stable. My friend Ewuraesi (whose blog you can read here… she’s so smart. Not for idiots.) picked the perfect word. They are a STURDY pair of heels. She got the same ones in brown. I intend to steal them in the night.

I've been taking the stairs lately. How FIRM do my legs look? Win.

Now. If you guys prowl the Aldo website as much as I do, you’ll know that these shoes don’t actually look like this. They look like THIS:
While mine look like THIS:

Yes people. I committed a cardinal sin… I MUTILATED my shoes.

I just could not STAND that stupid ankle strap. Mostly because it was RIGHT on my anklet (which I never take off. Ever) and that just irritated me to no end. And it would make the skin on my ankle ashy from all the rubbing. And also because… I just like it better as a normal pump. Ankle straps for what?
I like how it turned out. What do you think?

Anyway, more finals coming. Must get off WordPress and get some studying in.

P.S. In case you were wondering, the stud reference in the title just meant the shoes and the bag are studded. I know. How NOT witty. Smh, I think I lost it.

P.P.S. My final really wasn’t that bad. I just have an innate need to whine about everything.

P.P.P.S.  Guess what?

.

.

.

.

.

CHICKEN SHIT!!!

Hahaaaaaaaaaa!

Omg I am so immature -___-

Bye, God bless :*

FINA-fricking-LLY.

I don’t care if you all think I am the most pathetic human being alive, I don’t care if you all have a party and point and laugh at this admission, I don’t care if you have peed yourself already laughing, but it was an exciting moment for me.

Until he turned out to be 28…

-____-

Just my luck.

BUT THAT’S BESIDES THE POINT.

It was a good feeling because, with God as my witness, I am going through the DROUGHT OF MY LIFE.

My goodness. I feel DRY. Interpret that however you want to, y’all, but Vancouver… Vancouver has STARVED ME.

And no, get your minds out of the gutter, I’m not talking about sex. I’m just talking about male attention. Good ol’ flirting. Guys looking you over from across the room. “Hey, can I get your number?” “Oooh girl, you look good.” etc etc etc

I really didn’t realize how good I had it back home until I got here.

Part of it, obviously, is due to the fact that half my life is spent trying to draw sense of the ramblings of my professors, most of whom drone… on… for… ages… without… changing… tone… or… pace… *snore*. So much so that I’m barely ever just, you know, CHILLEN at Starbucks or HANGING OUT at the Gallery so I don’t really socialize as much as I could. Granted.

And part of it also can be attributed to the way I’ve just completely let myself go and allowed depression to take me to McDonald’s to eat my sorrows away…

 
BUT part of it is the complete lack of GUTS in Vancouver.

 
Maybe I’m just too used to Kenyan guys and how forward they are. Kenyan guys will tell you UP FRONT that they like what you’re wearing. Kenyan guys will look at you, think you’re cute and walk up to you and GET THAT NUMBER. Kenyan guys will WHISTLE at you and go “Ei ei ei cheki yule dame!”. Kenyan guys DO NOT PLAY.

Haha I know you’re laughing at my sheng.
And of course, like every other Kenyan girl, I spent my days complaining about “Oh these Kenyan guys are just too much, they need to learn how to be subtle and take it slow, blah blah blah…” and whining and whining and whining.

I HAVE EATEN MY WORDS.

What I would not GIVE for a straight up “Hey baby how you doing?” kind of conversation right about now. Dear Lord.

And from what I’ve seen and heard, it really is an African thing. African guys are so direct… It’s a swag thing. They aren’t afraid to risk it, because even if you reject a dude back home, he really doesn’t need you to make him feel fly. Shiiii, back home guys don’t even have to LOOK like a million, but trust, they will walk around like they FEEL like a million. Guys back home already KNOW when they got it going on, so they don;t thinking of hollering at a girl as a risk. And I MISS THAT. Not because I’m tryna be getting with Tom, Dick and Harry and their neighbours from down the road… no. Just because it’s nice. Even when nothing comes of it, it’s nice to get to know people without it having to be such a big deal.
My friends and I are always talking about how, here, it’s like guys are too scared to try and talk to you because they feel like you’re gunna start catching feelings and getting too serious. So they just act all shy and look at you from a distnace… creepily. And then the GIRLS have to get the ball rolling. Like even when you like someone, YOU, the girl, YOU have to go and do the work and look for them and talk to them. And girls here are mighty aggressive, I tell you. And I just feel like it’s the wrong way around. Like the girls should be being chased. Am I being backward? Is that just me?

Even guys who came here FROM Africa… are just so… meh.

And that frustrates me.

I am socially frustrated in Vancouver.

And I am also 18 days away from Nairobi. Thank GOD.

So, I shouldn’t try to hide this from you any longer.

I have two days to live.

Give this to the police.

Yes, people. My fate has been sealed.

I know, I know. It will be so hard to accept the death of two great people in the space of one month, but fear not. Elizabeth Taylor and I shall be watching you from the other side, and sometimes spitting on you. Lovingly.

Do you want me to be happy in the next life? Kindly spice up your nightly activities

Aside: Oh my God. I have this final on Monday and I’m still drawing ridiculous pictures on Paint and blogging. No one deserves to die more than me.

I got up and looked outside my window and nearly shat myself. SUNSHINE! OUTSIDE MY WINDOW!!! I just sat down and did an Our Father, my goodness. Real, WARM sunshine!!!

Oh God YES.

So I wore a dress. A pink dress, too, for good measure.

And it was well.

Can you tell that I'm excited? I tried to be subtle.

The outfit:
White blazer: Urban Behaviour
Pink Dress: Toy Market, Nairobi
Purple Belt: Stitches
Two tone shoes: Aldo (On SALE!!! Yay!)
White bag: Gifted

When I saw the dress at Toy, I initially thought it was hideous. It looked like a bad kitenge, and don’t pretend you don’t know what I’m talking about. It’s straight with no shape at all and some random elastic at the waist. I bought it to bum around the house in. Then one day I put a belt on it and it was like magic! For something that cost me Kshs 50 (I swear), I think it’s looking pretty darn good! Still a bit shapeless, but better.

Yes, people. These fat hands belong to me.

I did my nails last night. I love the purple on my ring finger, but it doesn’t look as good when I put it on my whole hand -___- I think I’m insecure about my hands. Wow. There must be a disease for that.

I love this shoe I love this shoe I LOVE THIS SHOE

I sat in lectures for a good part of the day, and then I thought to myself, I should take pictures, since I promised these people that I would. So I hijacked my bff Mahshad and made her take these pictures of me. Yes, we did catch some awkward stares.

And please don’t judge me. Nilipiga nguo pasi lakini sitting in lectures apparently wrecks havoc on cheap dresses

Anyway, that brings today’s post to a close. I have finals starting in a few days so I had to spew this post in like 10 minutes flat. You will take what I give you and you will like it.

How’s the weather where y’all are at? I LAUGH AT THOSE STILL IN THE COLD MUAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAA!

Anyway, have a lovely day, my loves. God bless

.

OK, if you are the kind of person that sees the word DIET on the front of a magazine and just buys it immediately, then this post is for you. If you are not, then continue watching your porn.

Also if you are a guy, you may not relate to any of this. Yes, people, I am sexist.

Also if you are stupid and impressionable and you go around falling for any kind of nonsense, don’t read this. Because if you do and you die or whatever, I am not liable.

.

Ok anyway. You know how magazines like Cosmo and Glamour and Elle and such are always giving advice like a concerned girlfriend, like “Honey I KNOW you’re tryna lose weight so all you need to do is follow these simple steps and girlfriend, that weight will fall OFF, I swear!”

You know how they take that conversational tone?

And usually it’s just some basic, obvious nonsensical drivel that EVERYBODY has already been told. Like “EXCLUSIVE: THE BEST DIET FOR YOUR BODY TYPE” will end up being
1) Eat less carbs. ……………………………………………………….(Ermmmmm… DUH.)
2) Drink more water. …………………………………………………(You don’t say.)
3) Eat vegetables……………………………………………………….(REALLY?)
4) Don’t eat a lot………………………………………………………..(-___-)
5) Exercise……………………………………………………………….(Bite me.)

And it’s like, why hoodwink us into thinking you have an excellent new plan for us, when you’re just gunna tell us the same things we can find on fricking Google for FREE without having to deal with your skinny ass models and stuff?!

ENOUGH WITH THE MIND GAMES.

.
Magazine people say: Do not starve yourself. You will not lose weight.

(Read this in a retarded voice in order to mock them.)

Angel says: UM ok so explain to me why there are no fat starving people in famine-struck areas. Sorry is that just that they have a ‘fast metabolism’ to digest all that AIR they eat???
If you do not eat, you will lose weight. I don’t care WHAT you tell me, it’s true.

That is why ANOREXIA is a real disease. They don’t eat, they get thin.

I mean, yeah, of course the magazines can’t tell you “Stop eating and you will be thin” because obviously we will all just become anorexic and be promptly blown away by the wind. But they shouldn’t also just think that we are idiotic enough to believe that not eating will not affect our weight.

It’s basic logic. You ate and you got fat. NATURALLY, if you don’t eat you will be less fat. DUH.

And there’s always the idiot people who just think Cosmo is GOD and they’re like “Oh my gosh, don’t starve yourself.. blah blah blah, it said in Cosmo that it won’t work, you won’t keep the weight off blah blah blah…”

And I’m looking at these people like, “DO YOU HEAR YOURSELF?!”

Even if you exercised and lost the weight the “RIGHT WAY” and then started stuffing your face again, you will gain the weight back. Correct or not? Am I lying?

I would like to say here that when I go a week on a liquid diet, I lose about 3kg. When I eat my normal way (aka when I raid McDonalds every day) and do my morning run, I just get aches in my thighs. TRUE STORY.

Ladies (and the gents who stayed anyway because they don’t know how to follow instructions),

I have arrived at my point.

My weight loss theory:

The BEST way to lose weight is to be MENTALLY thin.

You’re asking yourself, what the hell is mentally thin? Do I have to make my brain thin? Huh?

Shut up, stupid.

Mental thinness just means, THINK LIKE A SKINNY B**CH MODEL.

Those models who are already thin are NOT gunna risk their thinness so easily. Because they are thin already, they won’t go and attack McDonalds, cuz they don’t wanna gain weight. Because they are thin already, they will survive on tiny bits of salad and drink water all the time. Because they are already thin they will get on that treadmill and sweat until they can squeeze the sweat out of their t-shirt.

And voila! No weight gain. Possibly more weight loss.

So all you have to do is pretend to be a skinny model.

For the next week (as in after tonight’s fries.. don’t rush me) I am pretending to be Victoria Beckham (yes I know she’s not a model, shut up. She’s skinny.) and I will let you all know how much weight I lose by the end of the week.
Please don’t start preaching at me about how young girls will see this and lose self esteem because they will feel like they need to be skinny to be adequate. Please do not even start that with me. I already told the dumb impressionable people to go away.

That’s a lie. I haven’t blogged HERE in three months. Yes, people. I’ve been having an affair.

But I have realized the error of my ways, and I have returned. There were all sorts of rumors going around about me being pregnant (???) and/or in trouble with the Canadian authorities. I mean, GAWSH. You guys should KNOW by now that if such things happened to me I would consider it PRIME BLOGGING MATERIAL!!! It’s like my life’s dream to be a criminal mastermind, on the run from the government, carrying my soon-to-be-born offspring in my belly, a pregnant fugitive.

Oh my God, I LOVE THAT.

I want to tell you what I’ve been going through the whole time I’ve been away, but it’s all so unbelievably depressing and horrible. Yuck. Let’s not go back there.  Most important thing is that Me, Myself and Isis are back, and as bipolar (tripolar?) as ever before.

So..? Habari gani? Gossip gossip? Wow, I’ve been so gossip-deprived.

ANYWAY, this was just a please-come-back-to-me post.. real blogging begins tomorrow, when my camera gets here.

Yes, people. A camera. A really snazzy one, too! 12MP is good, yes? I dunno. But my camera shall be SERIOUS.

I know what you’re thinking… I’m thinking it too… CAMWHORING!!! I shall take so many camwhore pictures of myself that the whole world will vomit simultaneously at my vanity.

Your favourite camslut is back on it!!! Womp womp! Me, Myself and Isis is gunna have a style section!!!

Funny enough, I can actually hear the haters going, “Oh please, WHAT style?” To be honest, it’s really not as much a style section as a lookbook. Just a what-I-wore-today type thing.

I know, EXCITOZ!!! *does a little dance*

Anyway. let me know if you still love me. I still love YOU guys. Really, I do.
Well, those of you that aren’t creepers.
No one likes creepy people.

the more it goes,

the more it goes,

on snowing…

And nobody knows,

How cold my toes,

How cold my toes,

are growing.

~Winnie the Pooh

(Why I haven’t posted in a while.)

People say really STUPID things. And we all know I HATE stupid people.

 
Case-in-point:

Recently, I was getting ready for school in my room  with the door open and a couple of my floormates were walking past and they came in to say hi or whatever. So we’re just chatting and I’m in front of my mirror putting my makeup on and one of them goes,

“So, do you wear makeup everyday?”

And I give her my standard reply to anyone who asks about my makeup:

“I wasn’t born pretty, so I have to make myself decent.”

And then, of course the usual lies of  ”but you’re still so pretty without your makeup on blah blah blah *more extraneous lying*” ensued.

I can’t tell you how much I hate this.

I hate when I say something so obviously true and then, after a moment of awkward silence, people start clamouring to dissuade me.

Me: OMG I really wanna eat that cookie, but I won’t cuz I’m a bit overweight.

Person: (2 seconds of contemplative silence) NOOOOOOOO, you’re not overweight at all! You look so good! Better than ever! OMG you’re so hot!

Me: -___-

 

I hate it when people overcompensate.

There is nothing wrong with saying

“Oh, GOOD FOR YOU! It’s really important to take care of yourself.”

And sometimes when I try to express my annoyance, people say stupid, ignorant things like

“If you think you’re fat, then what is so-and-so? If you think you’re ugly, then what is  so-and-so?”

STUPID, IGNORANT THING TO SAY.

This woman is a bit overweight:

She is still overweight if she is next to THIS woman:

True or false?

TRUE OR FALSE???

____________________________________________

Another thing that is REALLY pissing me off  is when people act like they’re surprised that I’m a decent person.

Three times in the recent past, I have talked to people who read my blog/Twitter but don’t know me.

Once, I ran into a reader in town while I was home, a reader emailed me last week and yesterday someone on campus.

These three people each said,

“Wow, you’re really nice in real life.”

What. THE HECK. Is THAT supposed to mean?

Pardon me, but do I give off the online demeanour of someone who starts biting the heads off of people on sight? Or do people generally perceive me as a serial killer when they read me?

EXCUSE ME, I AM ACTUALLY VERY WELL-MANNERED! CIVIL AND POLITE, LIKE MY MOTHER RAISED ME!

Besides, I’m not ALWAYS bitchy and complaining on this blog! I am nice sometimes.

Similarly, I am not ALWAYS bitchy and complaining in real life. I am nice sometimes.

This is why I am cutting so many people off.

I don’t have the energy to put up with ignorance and pretense any more.

Yesterday, the weather deceived me. It was cold (big surprise) but not ridiculously so by the time I was leaving my room to go to class. So I figured since I only had two lessons to attend, I’d just grab some trackie bottoms and a t-shirt and a little blazer and go out, then come back and sleep.

It snowed.

WTF WTF WTF WTF WTF WTF WTF WTF WTF WTF WTF WTF???!!!

ARGH I HATE VANCOUVER SO MUCH.

I nearly died yesterday.

Anyway, as promised, a bunch of pictures of some stuff I brought with me from Nairobi

First off, the thing I didn’t know I couldn’t live without until I ran out of it last semester…

Can you tell what it is...?

It's boxes of TEA!!!

TEA TEA TEA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I honestly abuse tea like it’s a drug. I cannot believe how much of it I consume.. and now I have enough to last me a while… it’s just ecstacy, honestly. They have tea here, but it’s not the same. And I find their tea has this weird aftertaste that just hangs there, yuck.
The tea was the thing I was most adamant about bringing with me. My dad was kind of appalled at how much I was carrying, but my Ma totally understood. She’s a junkie too

Next up, we have…

CADBURY'S DRINKING CHOCOLATE

Oh gosh. This stuff is another drug. I abuse many substances. It’s quite sad, really. I was gunna bring Bournvita or Milo, but Ma saw right through me, cuz she knows how I EAT that stuff (doesn’t everyone? Who actually DRINKS Bournvita? Bournvita was MADE to be lambwad.) so she said to buy this instead. I tried to lamba it.. it’s not very nice.
Anyway, it’s very exciting because…

IT CAME WITH A FREE SOMETHING!!! Free stuff rocks!

Can you tell what the free thing is..? CAN YOU TELL?

It's pens!!! CADBURY PENS!!!

Honestly, I’m just beside myself with glee. These people at Cadbury’s have obviously heard about me. Chocolate to help my sanity, and pens to write with. Seriously. That’s like giving me stilettos which feel like wedges. It’s like bright colours which don’t clash. It’s HAPPINESS IN A JAR. Omg I love the pens. (P.S. I just tried one, and YES! YES! YES! They have the ink that’s kind of runny, so it’s smooth! Not like those scratchy pens you get free with an Oxford set sometimes! YESSS!!!)

Moving on swiftly (before I get carried away by my passion for these Cadbury-themed Bics), I also brought…

GINGER.

This goes in the tea. Sometimes when I tell people I put ginger in tea they look at me funny, but I swear it’s one of those things you can’t explain. You HAVE to try it. And if you do try it for the first time, don’t put it in teabag tea. Put it in sufuria tea (I really don’t know how else to describe it, sorry). Sufuria tea with milk in it, you let it boil and rise once, then you put the ginger in, then you let it boil again. OH MY GOD. Wow. I want to cry just thinking about it.

I brought Safariland powdered milk with me to make the ginger tea. Gah. GAH GAH GAH. Two mugs during this blog post… AND COUNTING.

Next.

HOW I'M GUNNA GET THIN

Knorr Aromat; the key to thinness.

I know some of you are going, “WHAT?” But look. I HATE VEGETABLES. I detest them. They all just taste like water and I don’t like how water doesn’t taste like anything (except sometimes it tastes like those white rocks pregnant women and housies like eating). I HATE VEGETABLES.

But I promised Ma I’d eat them.
So, I bought Knorr Aromat, to throw on the veggies so they can taste like something. And I LOVE KNORR AROMAT.

Which means I will be able to eat veggies EXCLUSIVELY for a while. Which of course will result in thinness.

I know, it’s a BRILLIANT plan.

I also managed to smuggle in some..

Yes, people.

It’s mabuyu.

I swear my life has begun to revolve around this stuff. I don’t know why, but I got home and Ma kept producing them, and I may now be nursing a small addiction.

If you don’t know what mabuyu are (is?) then you are a LOSER.

Get off my blog if you are a loser.

To feed my sweet tooth, I managed to grab…

KSL travel sweets.

I felt a little iffy when I bought these, cuz you know how when we were younger, there were those 1 bob KSL sweets that could scratch you? You know the ones? How sometimes the sweet would have a bubble then when you’re sucking on it you find the bubble and the bubble scratches you? I CAN’T EXPLAIN THIS, you have to have experienced it.

BUT THESE ONES.

They are made personally by fairies and kittens.

SO SMOOTH, especially the butterscotch ones.

I’m being really good, and having only like two or three a day.
I will DIE when they get finished :’(

Almost done..

Just a bunch of snacks I brought with me. I cracked and gorged on some of the stick things (Ganthia) but I am being very well behaved about the sesame stuff even though simsim is such a big weakness for me. I’m gunna try and keep them for a week or so before I open them up.

And finally…

Sorry about the super-blurrrrrrrrry second picture, but I couldn’t be bothered to take another one.

That’s hair stuff.

BTW, big news…

I CUT MY HAIR.

By, like, a lot.

It’s now like 2 inches long. If I was white, you would call it a pixie cut. But I’m black. It’s called “amenyoa”.

Why? Because I dunno why but relaxers (otherwise lovingly known as kemiko) honestly just RAPE my poor hair and then it gets thin and starts breaking and it’s all just chaotic. So I cut it and braided it (will take pictures soon) and I’m gunna grow it out natural. It’s just hair, it grows.

Yeah so that’s Venus hair treatment stuff and Dark&Lovely hair food, the kind with coconut in it.

Ok, so I’m done.

I did bring some other stuff with me but it’s boring and I’m tired of taking pictures. Plus, writing photo posts is exhausting and 6 in the morning.
Tell me what you think I forgot. I know I should have brought Zesta jam with me, but I was so scared it would explode on the plane and just drench everything in plummy goo.

OMG I have class in like two hours. GTG.

UPDATE!!!

I forgot to show you THESE:

YES PEOPLE!!! They are KENYAN FLAG PENCILS!!! Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!!! I got them for 50bob at Toy! Omg. OMG OMG how could I have forgotten! Cutest, most patriotic pencils in the world or WHAT?

Speaking of, does anyone else hate mechanical pencils like me? I like pencils that you have to sharpen. I’ve always loved sharpening pencils. Mechanical pencils SUCK.

Good riddance, 2010.

I just got back to Vancouver, for those of you who didn’t know, from a 10-day stint in Nairobi.  Fun times. Anyway I got back to my room on campus, and it looks EXACTLY THE SAME. Not that I had expected someone to burst in and turn everything helter-skelter, but I dunno, I found the sameness a bit eerie. Also, some of you don’t know this but I had a really hard time emotionally and academically during my first semester here (it turns out I’m a big whining baby and also I am very daft indeed), and somehow, coming back to this same room looking this same way had me feeling like it was gunna be the same thing again. SO I put my foot down and said to myself, “Self, if things won’t change for the better, then I must change, or things will stay just the same.” I did try to go back and amend this statement of resolve to make it sound more profound, but nothing. So I just said it all bland like that and then I nodded sagely to myself. In the mirror I seemed quite wise.

Anyway, presenting…

Angel’s New Year’s Resolutions for 2011: Towards Eliminating Global Warming Random Crying Jags Fatness Dodgy Grades General Pathetic-ness

1. LOSE WEIGHT.

So I got home, and literally EVERYONE I met would go “Hi, how are you, how is it, wah you’ve gained weight…” My parents were past being tactful about it; my dad was like “Eh Wendy you need to exercise, you have really put on weight. What are you eating there in Canada?” and my mom was all “No junk food for you, A. Come and eat some veggies. You have to try and eat better. Eh you ate all the ice cream…” and on and on and on ad infinitum. I guess in everyone’s mind I’ve just become some First-World glutton (and everybody knows gluttony is a deadly sin)… Clearly the “comfort-eating” theory is yet to arrive home

Anyway, after a careful self-evaluation, I have come to the conclusion that I have indeed ballooned to a very dangerous size (for those around me). Case in point – I literally CANNOT fit into jeans that once needed a belt to stay up.

So clearly SOMEBODY needs to do a bit of treadmill-pounding.

Now, you know how lazy I am, I even contemplated going out and intentionally catching that flu that everyone swears makes you violently lose 10 pounds. I say violently meaning you go around looking like death, hacking cough and all, writing your last will and testament, knowing you’re going to die, for one week, and you appear at the end of it, rising from the ashes, phoenix-like… and… THINNER. My attempts to locate someone who had already been infected were futile, so it looks like I’m gunna have to do it the normal (crazy) old-fashioned (tedious) way (torture). Otherwise known as healthy eating and exercise.

Omg I just vomited at the thought. (Hmmm, maybe I should just be bulimic…)

Anyway, weight must and WILL be lost.

2. Much simpler, BECOME COMPLETELY AVERSE TO MALES

SO I know a lot of you watch The Big Bang Theory (honestly, I scorn anyone who doesn’t have the intellectual capacity to understand the jokes on that show… yeah, I said it. Just get off my blog and go cower somewhere.) and know my favourite character, Dr. Sheldon Cooper. On the show, he’s thought to be ASEXUAL. As in, he just doesn’t feel any attraction to either sex.

I feel I need this in my life. I am way too easily distracted by such things as “hot guys” and “well-defined abs” and I’ve had enough, because all men are stupid and deserve to be flogged. Therefore, I have decided to turn into a complete ice-queen and shun all their advances (this is, of course, presuming anyone would make advances to a girl the size of a small whale, see #1). How will I do this…? How will I resist the urge to stare at one particularly tasty morsel of maleness that also goes to this campus..? Easy. I will IMMERSE myself in self-motivational literature geared towards emotional maturity (“Eat, Pray, Love” “Choosing not to date” “Woman, thou art loosed”) and intellectual development (“The Odyssey”, Galileo’s “Diagramma”, perhaps my Math textbook), such that I will begin to think better of myself and soon enough I will deem myself too intelligent and emotionally mature to be frolicking with mere college boys (“Why men love b*tches”).

From now on I will only settle for a male who is more well-read than I am… and even then, SETTLE is the operative word.

3. BLOG MORE. (see..? Already working so well!)

4. GET BETTER GRADES (self-explanatory)

5. STOP HAVING WEIRD RELAPSES WHERE I TURN LOCAL.

Honestly, I’m sure there’s people out there that think I have Tourette’s Syndrome or something. I keep having these weird tics of random and short-lived Naijaness or real local Kenyanness, and it’s beginning to annoy me but I CANNOT STOP. It was funny before but it has outlived its usefulness and must stop.

So there we go. The goals for the year. Will reassess in March if y’all remind me.

P.S. Coming soon (as in some time tomorrow), pictures of RANDOM things I brought with me from Kenya… you people will NOT believe some of this stuff. Teaser: Knorr Aromat for fries! Lots of it.

UPDATE: if you have EVER had that flu I talked about earlier, please do not hesitate to cough on my keyboard. Or cough in an envelope and send it to me. Weren’t there rumours about anthrax being spread like that..? GENIUS. Pure genius.

Oh my gosh, I’m sure you people think I’m cheating on you with another audience; I’m really not. Just been super busy! And also.. I may or may not be turning into a vlogger now (vlogger = video blogger, you digg?)… Explain??? Well, lately I’ve been ADDICTED to YouTube videos.. I’ve really been stalking some vloggers, honestly. It’s so bad, I really dunno why I have so little shame. Anyway, the other day I watched like 4 hours worth of videos and I thought to myself, “This is not hard at all. They sit here and TALK TO THEMSELVES for ten minutes and upload it and it’s done…” SO NOW, I have a channel.

The way I act on impulse should be scary, but it isn’t.

Anyway, a few hours ago I was bored out of my mind and.. long story short, I made a What’s in my bag video. I was initially gunna do a what’s in my bag BLOG POST, but these days I am MUCH LAZIER than I once was, the First World had spoiled me.

Here is the link, my darlings

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=woWzYQW3rXo

I recorded it on my sh*t-ass Blackberry camera, so bear with the bad quality. When I become rich and famous I will buy a decent camera. Maybe.

OR MAYBE one of you could buy me one. I will date you if you do. I keep telling you folks, forget sugar daddies, I just need sugar friends. I’ll be your friend if you buy me things.

THINK ABOUT IT.

Anyway, tell me what you think. Stay on a written blog, or start vlogging? Or a mix…? I need to know soon, because Me, Myself and Isis needs to be remixed and reloaded for 2011 baby!

LOL, how gangsta.

P.S. I have MISSED you people dearly. You always comment such interesting things.

“I never felt settled or calm. You can’t really commit to life when you feel that.” ~ Angelina Jolie

So.. I’m thinking about completely deleting this blog. And starting over.

Because I am psychotic like that.

Hmm.

I swear it’s like a VIRUS.

Too bad, not everyone SHOULD blog.

<<<Oh my God, I am sooooooo tempted to put up links to Exhibit A, B, C, D, E and F, but I almost got sued a few months ago, and HELLO? Student budget no go pay for lawyer, oh. Chineke, God forbid.>>>

Granted, I’ve been blogging less than a year, but I really do feel like a part of this world (the BLOGOSPHERE, for those in the know), and I feel annoyed that a bunch of numbskull desperados are on here.

Ok, I know I’m gunna get sued again for this.

Shit.

Ok, but I really have to have it out.

I feel like a lot of the new lot are doing it to.. I dunno.. be cool? Seem educated..? I dunno… GET ATTENTION?

Fine, I admit it. I REVEL in the attention I get through this blog. I REVEL IN IT.

Because I am a self-obsessed exhibitionist.

Which I would never deny.

But there’s this one blog, right, and this girl, I know her. Like KNOW HER KNOW HER, you know, and her entire blog is a LIE. This girl writes about “oh I went to this party and that party and got drunk and slept with this really cute guy and now I dunno if he still respects me and yet I really like him and my parents are getting a divorce and I’m so sad that it’s affecting my grades and I might start getting Cs from As and omg etc etc”

BUT I KNOW FOR A FACT THAT Miss PartyGirl is

(a) kept under lock and key in their KITENGELA home – this partying CANNOT HAPPEN

(b) born to the two people least likely to ever disagree, let alone get a divorce

(c) a straight D student her whole life.

So it  boggles my mind how she can be so brazenly LYING about her life. And it further boggles my mind that SO MANY OF HER FRIENDS (i.e. people who also KNOW HER KNOW HER) are falling for this crap – or pretending to – and going with the flow in the comments like this sh8t is for real!!!

It IRKS me so!!!

I fully support the use of blogs to get attention – I DO IT. BUT to fabricate an entire life…?

I just… Yuck.

Ok, abrupt change of topic.

I’m having a guy problem.

There’s this guy.

And he’s NOT EVEN THAT CUTE.

But I cannot cannot CANNOT get anything done if things are to continue as they are.

Ok, so background:

Not too long ago, I was a young, fresh-faced good Christian girl (WHY ARE YOU LAUGHING?) new to Vancouver, and all I wanted was to MASSACRE this whole university thing bad bad.

But there’s this guy and WE HAVEN’T EVEN SPOKEN TO EACH OTHER, except this one time, we were introduced and he said hi and I couldn’t even make a sound come out – as in, not even “Hi”, not even “mm”. NOTHING.

But I see him EVERYWHERE, and we have weird I-catch-his-eye-for-two-seconds-then-one-of-us-looks-away things and ajijijiji I’m going mad wondering if he’s also experiencing these insane feelings D: and if he is then why isn’t he DOING SOMETHING??? It’s been like a MONTH, for God’s sake. And if he isn’t, do I just fling myself off a building or what?

I de go lose my mind, oh.

P.S> One more thing.

I got new shoes.

I feel for the ruffles in the back (o_0)

and…

No words necessary.

Sorry, these are sh*tty Blackberry pics… but I know you still ENVY ME.

P.P.S> (Last one)

Remember when I asked you to pick a name for a site?
Well, we DID win with “Cassandrae and Friends” but it was VETOED – can you imagine?

I now also blog on a group blog at http://donotfeedthebloggers.wordpress.com

Very new.. and very exciting.

Check it out.

Worry.

I spent the weekend in COQUITLAM (about an hour out of Vancouver, I dunno in which direction, and honestly, I don’t care, but if I suddenly go missing, kindly apprehend PARIA and question her). I went there to “get some studying done, away from the stress of the UBC campus”.

FINAL LIST OF ACCOMPLISHMENTS:

1. Managed to cyberstalk my current love interest enough to know such things as his toothpaste of choice

2. Caught a strange disease that has turned me into a runny-nosed, hacking-cough machine

3. Completed a grand total of ONE assignment (out of four) (and I’m lying) (it’s not finished)

I always told you I was an overachiever.

Now, on to the random.

Behold, the current state of my nails:

No, I am not a farmer.

The highlight of the week?

GUM WITH RIBBONS ON!!!

When I first saw this, I actually squealed. Me. SQUEALING. All high-pitched-like.

YOU WISH YOU WERE THERE.

Happy Breast Cancer Awareness Month everybody!

(I’m doing midterms, hence lack of blogging. Fear not, for November approaches, along with copious amounts of MIND VOMIT on this ‘ere weblog.)

I swear, you know how I’m always frontin’ like I’m so cultured and I know everything…?

Er.. what does Thanksgiving mean, exactly..?

I honestly do not understand what it means, apart from eating turkey. And that I gathered from childhood cartoons.

Anyway, a lot of us “foreigners” stayed on campus while a lot of the Canadian kids went back to their homes and their mothers to enjoy home-cooked meals and decent-sized beds while the rest of us wallow in abject misery and miss our mothers like hell and get dumped and get lonely and wtf I wanna go home to my mom too what the hell…?

It’s actually quite depressing how empty campus is this weekend, I just feel like everyone else has loving parents who are fricking wealthy and can fly them home and back in private jets just to have a fxcking turkey dinner.

Heavy emotions.

The cure?

McDonald’s, DUH.

I swear to God I am the size of a truck now.

A large truck. Like the one in 18 Wheels of Justice.

Man, that show was cool.

Anyway, it was fun times… and by ”fun” I mean “I went dumpster-diving afterwards because I am secretly a homeless person, I’ve just kept it well-hidden by wearing nice clothes”…

Don’t believe me?

I only do this at night, so as not to be seen by prospective husbands/boyfriends.

Yes, as you can see, I have spent all my money on such useless things as leopard-print rainboots and so I am forced to do this in order to survive. Don’t judge me. Just send me money, thanks.

I did find some good stuff on this run, and after my half-eaten sandwich and still-warm cappucion, we headed to my room….

Wondering what I mean by “we”?

Yes, people. I have friends.

Not really friends, more like… I dunno… like… “people who can deal with my insanity because they are just as insane so we might as well hang out cuz no one else will”. I don’t think they actually like me though.

I’m sure you can’t wait to see these people.

Here they are.

I know. It's very surprising that they are not cyclopses, or droids. Yes, real people hang out with me. I don't make that shit up.

So, from left. Mahshad, Paria, and The Legend.

*clears throat uncomfortably*

I hate taking pictures with pretty people.

Okay let’s move on.

Please don’t judge me. I just had to put this pic up because I like the way my butt looks in it. I am shallow. Sorry.

Okay, so you know how I’ve been telling you people that I live a double life? An open one, that you all know about, and a shrouded, secret, undercover one…?

Well, the truth comes out.

I am secretly a….

a…

a…

a…

a…

a.... ZOMBIE.

Yeah. P and I thought that since we are in the First World, we can come out with our secret. We have a dream… that one day, people will not run from zombies in terror:

Do not fear us, mankind.

…but instead, they will frolick happily with us, in peace, love and harmony, for in truth, we are gentle creatures:

We aren't gunna eat you. This is just how we hug.

We will not harm you (unless of course you move in on our men, in which case, bxtch you are going doooowwwwwwnnnnnnnnnnn).

Okay this post is suddenly depressing me.

I will cut it short abruptly.

Happy fxcking Thanksgiving.

The phrase “make believe” is so stupid. What the HELL is “make believe”? That’s just two random verbs stuck together. Like make cook. Make read. Make study-to-death. Make blog.

Stupid idea in every way.

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ANYWAY, onwards.

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I really fricking HATE university. No wait. No. That’s not right. I fricking hate ENGINEERING. I hate it, I detest it, I loathe it WHY THE HELL DO I HAVE SO MUCH WORK???

I miss sleep.

I miss Youtubing the night away.

I miss GOSSIP-TIME.

Take me back to high school.

In case any of y’all missed this on Facebook, this is only a mere fraction of what I have to do by the end of October:

No lie.

I know the picture quality is poopy, but it turns out Blackberry cams are… not that good.

Anyway, feel free to gimme Mwakenya (I dunno if that phrase is grammatically correct. I only speak Her Majesty’s English, thank you *insert stuck-up voice here*) any day any time. Any experienced engineers reading this? It’s not cheating, it’s TEAMWORK.

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I’m serious.

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In other news, I have discovered that when forced to, I can really run.

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Yes, me.

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WTF are you laughing at?

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STOP. LAUGHING.

Initially, I kept being late to my lectures because.. well, it turns out distances on the map are MUCH larger than they seem. Word.

And THEN the professors got together and said, hey, this Angel chick needs a bit more suffering in her life. Let’s all have short quizzes at the beginning of the lecture.. and let’s make these short quizzes count for a percentage of her overall GPA MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAlaughuntiltheydie.

SO I’ve been running. A lot.

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So I’m thin now?

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Er, not REALLY… they have McDonalds here.

TRANSLATION: McFlurry after McFlurry after sent-by-the-devil McFlurry.

I know the McD’s attendants by name, yo.

I am possibly fatter than before, but I don’t dare weigh myself because I don’t need spiralling-into-obesity depression on top of wtf-kind-of-Physics-is-this depression. Also, weighing myself would involve going to the gym.. and the gym is the home of skinny, toned extra-terrestrial creatures from other dimensions.. and it might not be safe for them to be around my ninja self (read: I might squish them to death with my obesity).

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Okay, I cannot cannot continue blogging now.

Please put the noose down. Nooses don’t scare me. Get a gun maybe.

I HAVE A FRICKING MIDTERM TO STUDY FOR. And apparently I also have a “failure report” due “soon”. So.. someone Google what a “failure report” is for me pleaseandthankyou.

I am clearly in charge of my education.

Kbaithx.

… well, for the first time since I’ve been here, I’m really, REALLY happy.

There’s a spring in my step and I’m wearing PINK!

Shitty webcam pic. Sorry. Fat fingers in full view for all the world to see and fear. But focus instead, dear world, on the fact that I am alive and well.

Yes, all things considered, it’s a good day.

Sorry.

Sorry, my darlings, for this long and unprecednted absence from this ‘ere weblog.

I’ve been… going through some stuff.

Ask no questions, I will tell you no (elaborate and well-executed) lies.

Anyway, I’m kind of back.

Tell a friend. Throw a party. Buy me things.

Check back soon for some real blogging!

x

P.S. Random fact: I AM COMING HOME FOR CHRISTMAS BXTCHES!!! RRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!

Also I have a cold and I want attention.

I am just too high on shopping and fear to blog. I will fill you in on the sordid details of the last few days when I am in Vancouver.

As in, on Thursday.

I think I will reply to comments that day as well, but to be honest, I’m too lazy and I’ll probably be out looking for a fresh, young college boy to abduct and enslave for my own evil purposes.

Mmmmmmh.

Gimme just one second.

Okay I’m back.
Seriously, you people can’t be mad. I am the most frequent blogger you know. Just stop whining, okay?

Okay seriously, you’re gunna threaten me with SUICIDE???

I don’t get it, how is YOUR suicide gunna harm ME???

JUMP!!!

Hahaha bet you didn’t see that pitchfork waiting at the bottom.

(which I didn’t put there because, come on, I’m not secretly turned on by intestines being strewn everywhere while the owner of the intestines writhes in pain and then their eyes roll backwards and they cry out in agony and then they finally die. Mmmmmmmh.)

Really, I am the worst person, I enjoyed that mental image of my particularly psychotic readers flinging themselves off a windowledge.

Aaaah. Cheap thrills.

Okay. I am now kissing you all, readers. Me and my big glossy disgusting lips cuz you all know the plane may or may not plunge into the Atlantic. Please pray to your various deities about this. I hear the shopping in Vancouver is awe-fricking-some.

To stay updated, you might wanna consider following me on Twitter.

But then.. yoo know.. TMI and all.. Whatever floats your boat, you know?

NO REALLY, JUST FRICKIN FOLLOW ME OKAY???

Thank you.

EDIT: I haven’t packed anything. Lazy? No, no. STUPID.

EDIT: I take that back. I am NOT stupid. Just.. you know… borderline-neurotic. No biggie.

EDIT: Tomorrow should be super-interesting.

I am having a small problem with that, eh, because THERE IS NOTHING SUPERNATURAL ABOUT MY BOOK.

No wizardry.

No sparkly vampires.

No normal vampires.

No angels that come down to earth to live among us.

No blue things.

NOT EVEN A WEREWOLF.

This is bad, because that’s all anyone is interested in these days – the supernatural – and don’t forget, I am only writing this book in the hopes that it’ll get made into a movie and make me JKRowling RICH.

What, everyone wants money.

So initially I had thought about turning all my current characters into vampires, but then I realized that vampires are big THIS year, and my book probably won’t be done until September 7th 2011 (my twentieth birthday party and book launch) so I have to think about what will be trending NEXT year…

So I have decided to add an entire chapter in my book about teenage zombies.

SEXY teenage zombies.

(TM; Copyright; All Rights Reserved; Patent Pending etc etc)

Because you know what? I can totally see tweens going crazy over a guy named Gareth who died but had to come back to life to pursue the love of his life but then he had to take over somebody else’s body so he ended up taking over some guy named Lorenzo’s body, but it turned out that while Gareth was dead, the love of his life, Sophie, had fallen in love with Lorenzo so now Gareth is confused about whether or not Sophie loves him for him or for Lorenzo but he can’t risk coming to her in zombie form cuz that’s just freaky so he enlists the help of his zombie friends who he met in the cemetery to go take over her friends’ bodies and convince her that Lorenzo is bad for her so that she can get over Lorenzo, but then one of the zombie-friends ends up falling in love with Sophie and the other zombie falls in love with Gareth who is now Lorenzo and pretty soon it’s a love… 1-2-3-4-5.. um… love-square-plus-one.

See?

It has all the aspects of a bestselling book, blockbuster movie and hit TV series!

Lies, backstabbing, sordid relationships, and ZOMBIES!!!

I know you are all doubtful about the zombie thing, but wait till September 2011!!! THE UNDEAD ARE GUNNA BE BIG!!!

And I cannot emphasize this enough, but these are gunna be SEXY teenage zombies, okay? Not weird-looking like that-girl-that-wants-her-boyfriend-to-bite-her-and-eat-her-soul, NO! Proper sexy-ass zombies!

I already know who I want to play the star roles in the movie.

"Lorenzo"

"Gareth"

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Aaaaaaaaaaaand, the lovely girl that gets to be in the middle of the sordid love triangle with these two lovely lovely specimens is….

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"Sophie"

Yeah, since Gareth is gunna spend most of the movie trapped in Lorenzo’s body and kissing Sophie through Lorenzo’s lips, it is in my best interests for Ne-Yo to be Lorenzo so we can kiss passionately and just be in love and prance around and little girls all over the world will want to be Sophie like like once wanted to be Bella because I tell you, this is like nothing you have ever seen..

It’s gunna be a sexy teenage zombie drama-come-rama, which is my new word for something that is half-drama, half-comedy, half-romance.

And yes, that adds up to one-and-a-half, which just shows how BAD_ASS this book is gunna be.

In stores September 2011

P.S. Ey, when E! comes interviewing you for my True Hollywood Stpry please remember that I was the cool girl you always watched from a distance. Anyone that mentions my (a) fat thighs (b) nappy hair or (c) the state of my face when I have a cold, will die of.. ahem.. natural causes.

Be sure.